Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
this hospital has no fireball
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
