Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
