So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW