dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck