She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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