not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
