The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
