why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
