did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
