Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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