Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
