false alarm. still invincible.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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