Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dick very happy bro
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
