Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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