So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
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ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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