I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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