My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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