In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
