i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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