she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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