Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
