In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
