Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
