do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
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Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
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True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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