I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
