she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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