rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
