If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
