She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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