sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
