when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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