hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize