I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
