Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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