the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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