My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
