you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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