i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The uberlube is also flammable
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
