u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
