somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
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she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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