this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
