Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
do nipples grow back?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
