Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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