Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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