Got a toothbrush?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
