Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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