Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we're making bets on your personal life
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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