Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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