So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
