You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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