It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
