As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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