Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
