Yo dont text me then not text me
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
