you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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