If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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