Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
