I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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