when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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