guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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