new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
