I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
