How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
