my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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