I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
