i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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